An experience richer......

For better days in my life, I am usually calm and collective in my thoughts and actions. Of course, I wouldn’t say I am an angel when the days are peppered with acidity of frustration and a bag full of unpleasantness of life. I guess, when I aged ( I try to age gracefully, my dear God! ) I try to be as sensible as I can be and try not to lose my mind or my sanity in that process. ( sometimes I still do! ). I must say that I now understand the “frustrations” that must have come with the older folks when they try to speak their minds to the younger people and try to make themselves being understood but sometimes, it is just difficult. I have been in countless situations when I DO get the meaning of words in my head but my mouth won’t speak it out or blurt out a completely different thing which makes no sense to the listeners. Yeah, it is downright frustrating for me that sometimes it can lead to a lot of unpleasant interpretation of what I am trying to say. I am not running away or blaming my misunderstood speech and so on but I am just trying to say that we need to be more patient with elderly folks when they speak because sometimes it is hard for them to express what they really meant. Guess, by being more patient, we would tend to have a more fulfilling understanding of the people we care for.

I am guilty when I say that sometimes, I can be a buffoon when it comes to my temper as I will just lose it all. But over the years, with advice and good talking down by good friends, it had helped me to get a grip of things and seek out ways to improve myself. I guess, just like anyone else, I do lose friends along the way though I still hold them treasure in my heart because I know what true friendship meant to me. I guess, true friendship are hard to come by but sometimes, parting with good friends are difficult. I have lost good friends who would not listen to explanations and sometimes, situations that are beyond us or not of our own doing. Anyway, I am not a vindictive person and never born to be one either. I can be engaging, direct and rough in my ways but I am never a vindictive person. I guess, by nature, I believe each and everyone is blessed with a good and loving heart. It is just sometimes, our judgment are clouded by sinister acts or hurtful words that are thrown to us or even the torment of the flesh by trying to be bad. But luckily, GOD is always there to keep me in check and to forgive me in my wasteful ways of thought, words, mannerism and daily actions. So very thankful for that!

For the last few days, I am brought back to an incident that I had experienced recently. I was attending some work whereby a woman had just lost her husband in a motor vehicular accident. The accident involved a motorcar which had flipped off the road and her husband, who was the back seat passenger was badly mangled and died on the spot at the accident scene. It was a difficult way to lose a husband, a provider and a partner in life.  To me, it was a very difficult way to lose someone whom you are with the entire waking days of your life and who had shared your life all these years. It is sorta unthinkable occurrence, right? But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball indeed!

While I was rather conservative in my ways and wanted to show my respects to the woman and her dearly departed husband, I tried even to dress up conservatively in grey shirt and beach colored pants so as not to be disrespectful in any way. I guess, I have always been like that and try to be as considerate as possible as that is the best thing one can do for the grieving people out there. 

But that day, this woman gave me a “lesson” in life that I would remember. She knew that I was concerned about the grief she felt as I painfully have to do my job of asking “sensitive”, “insensitive” and even difficult questions at times. What can I say, it's the job I do.

More often than not, I was very apologetic to her and she could see that I struggled a bit as it was only so recent that she lost her husband. I could never understand how a woman in grief be that strong to field the questions that I fielded. I am not trying to be funny or whatsoever but it was just questions that I had to ask or else I have plenty to answer. I try not to make it difficult but yet I had to have the questions answered. She fielded them well and she even went out of her way to inform me that she completely understood why I had to have answers to the questions fielded. I was completely taken by surprise at one moment when she said to me  that she has come to grips with the demise of her husband and that it is a reality of life. She went on to tell me that though she would miss him dearly and the times shared, he would always have a great place in her heart and mind.

To me, I guess, it was easier said than done as I have seen what devastation it caused to grieving widows. Yunno, she was cheerful, pleasant and comforting in many ways.  I guess, we will never know how much one, such as this,  grieved for her husband but I know that her ways are far more positive than the many that I’ve met in my life.  I was even more surprised when she pulled me aside and told me that it is not that she is not grieving for the loss of a husband, provider and closed friend but that he ( her husband) wouldn’t have wanted her to be sad as they have shared the best days of their lives together and weathered through the good and bad times together. To her, those memories had kept them alive each day and it would keep her alive too. What a heart! What devotion!

Yunno, instead of me comforting her with soothing words and applying the balms of comfort to her heart, she blessed me with her gracious ; humble demeanour and graceful inner being. She didn’t even asked me how much was the compensation or even what was the compensation about, actually.  I was the one who told her about it and who I represented in this interview. She just nodded her head and asked no further questions though I noted that there was something which wore a burden to her. I immediately asked her about it as I sensed it. She told me that she was surprised that I was very quick in sensing her burden that morning. After a short laugh, she indulged me with her burden that morning.    

Surprisingly, she told me that I should be more comforting towards the driver of the motorcar whom she believed, was more traumatized by the death of her husband than she was. She told me that I should comfort that man who was behind the wheels that day when the accident occurred as the memories would haunt him more as the deceased and the driver were childhood good friends. Armed with her request that day, I prayed for God’s wisdom and love as I met up with the driver of the motorcar. It was a 40 minutes drive to the driver’s workplace and along the entire way, I prayed for God’s comfort and wisdom as I speak to this man. When I finally met this man, he was a towering six footer, lean and I introduced myself to him. He was a pleasant man who then ushered to me to a small table so that we could talk privately. I sought permission first with his employer so that I could speak to him about the accident and his boss was kind enough to allow me that liberty to speak to the driver, Tony ( not his real name ).

I then asked Tony to narrate to me the incident and  I got the feeling that Tony was trying to control his emotions as I wrote down the situation leading to the accident. He spoke with such clarity and vividness in regards to the accident. I must admit that it was a horrifying time for all of them - the driver and the passengers at that time. At the end of the interview, naturally I asked Tony if he wanted to say anything else. He confided in me that he had not been able to close his eyes to sleep at night after seeing the death of his good friend. He confided that the accident scene played all over his eyes and head like a HD clear movie disc - over and over again. He asked me , “ How can I ever get rid of these tragic scenes, Mr. Ivan? ” He further informed me that the deceased is his best friend and childhood friend from the same kampong and it was devastating to be able to see his best friend’s car across his house yet feeling guilty that he had caused the death of his best friend. I comforted him by telling him that it was purely an accident that was unavoidable indeed and it wasn’t his fault that the accident occurred. What an ass I was! Here was a grieving man and that was all I could say?!! 

Really, that was all I could muttered at that time and I just told him that God had a better plan that day but I do not know what it was – only God knows. That was what I could mutter at that time and I wouldn’t know if it was appropriate or not. He must have thought I was bonkers or something! I didn’t care, actually, as I saw only a visibly upset and traumatized man who could not forgive himself for what had happened. A reality check was needed, actually….for me!

He then told me that he cried each night seeking forgiveness from God for the death of his friend all these months. It was at that moment that I told him that I had spoken to the widow of his friend and she had asked me to tell him that it wasn’t his fault and that she wasn’t angry with him or any of that sort but wants him to move on in his life. 

I also spoke to him that God wouldn’t have wanted him to do such things to himself or wallow/drowned his own sorrows. I told him point blank that it wasn’t going to be easy for him to do so by forgetting the entire tragedy episode but the bright side is that God gave him a chance to life and he should be thankful for that instead of bashing his conscience and torturing his soul each day. I also told him that living is the best gift he could have to honour his fallen friend. I believe that was the more sensible thing to say, wouldn't you agree ?

I tell you, that man had small pearls of tears in his eyes that day but being a Chinese man, he fought hard to not let the tears fall but alas, fall it did. The floodgates of tears came and I guess, with much relief.  As he wept bitterly but silently that morning at the table we sat and away from the prying eyes of colleagues, I put my hand on his shoulders and told him that God had saved his life and given him a second chance. I told him that he should move on in life and live responsibly. That morning, we parted ways as he busied himself with the works around him; probably to get away from reminiscing the uneventful accident that had haunted him all these months. I guess, at last, the burdens were lifted off his chest. I pray and hope that he would recover from this episode.     

Driving back that day, I realized that I was the connecting mouthpiece and the recipient of fragile life changing experience of sharing grief with someone. I guess, I am richer by experience for what I have gone through that day. Perhaps, God had an appointment with that man and sent His unworthy man (me) to stand in the gap for the hurting and grieving that day. I wouldn’t know if what I did was right or wrong, sensitive or insensitive or even for the better or for the worst. What I knew that day was that God used a cracked, broken and contrite vessel in me to speak to that woman and man that day. You could too……….really. 

Let us continue to be a blessing to each other and other lives. Let us not be a pain in the ass for someone but rather be a good cheer in this fallen world of ours today.  That’s right, we do live in a broken and fallen world we have today if you have not noticed it already. Let’s just be a good person despite being told that it is a useless value or a futile effort simply because the people’s perception is not important – God’s view of us outstrips that narrow view. God’s view is far more important than anything else.  Agree? I most certainly do!