Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Office Memo - A Satire

OFFICE MEMO


To All Staff of the Company

The Company acknowledges that with its rich past history of establishment, great business success, sound well-being in its financial standing and excellent rapport with business partners & clients, the staff had tirelessly made this Company a great success.

Thereby, the Company would be rewarding all Staffs that had been an integral part of the business success, general well being of this Company and for sacrificial great efforts by soaring into oblivion heights of success for this Company.

The rewards are as follows according to the years of services :

30 years of service and below :   Keju Island Trip 

Remarks:  Don’t be mistaken for Jeju Island because it is not. Nevertheless, the trip will be an exciting one while there will be free flow of varying types of cheese for your pleasure. This is line with our Company vision of “ Who Moved The Bloody Cheese” success story. You have made it thus far and you are certainly at the top of the food chain and you have been the Rat of The Esteemed Ratpack, a great honour given to any employee since 2020 is indeed the Rat Year. 

25 years of service and below :    Usahla Sibuk Island Trip

Remarks :   Again, don’t be mistaken for Osaka because it is not. This is a quaint island at the back of the office whereby one would be able to relax and see what great success contribution had been made over the Company over the years. Food and drinks are aplenty including free flow of liquor for you to drown your joy or sorrow in some of you. This is also the island trip to seek innovative and new ways to excite your sensors and contribute more to your climb to the Rat of the Esteemed Ratpack group of employees. New schemes and suicide mission operations will be revealed to the group for better understanding and better execution. 

20 years of service and below :    Pulau Jerejak Island Trip

The Company felt that for those in 20 years service, the tendency to take a softer and relaxing stand at work had been looked into. A trip to Pulau Jerejak will illuminate your sensors to work harder and contribute your experiences at a greater height. Should you have plans to swindle or commit CBT over the next few years, this is a gentle reminder of what it used to be in those days but this is a beautiful island getaway. Breakfast and lunch would be provided indefinitely. However, fishing rod, hook,line and cooking utensils would be provided for you to catch your dinner. It is truly an amazing and exciting adventure that awaits you! However, should you go missing without a trace or whatsoever, it is NOT the responsibility of the Company. A Disclaimer Form would be provided for you to agree upon.  

15years of service and below :    Pulau Carey Island Trip

Wonderful time of seafood and bird watching activities had been planned. Some of you had been taking your annual leave for nature expedition and some have not taken leave for years, well, the Company felt that this is the best reward ever so that you’ll come back refreshed and energetic! Please eat to your heart’s contents because there won’t be any other dinner celebration like this one for the next 10 years.

10 years of service and below :    Pulau Besar Island Trip

This idyllic island had been the perfect spiritual and resting placing for those of you who had worked tirelessly but couldn’t climb up the Management ladder. With this trip in place, you could reflect on what had gone wrong on your plans and contemplate what is your next career move in climbing up the ladder of success. There would be a “buang sueh” cleansing session to clear off the bad juju and restore your faith in the ladder climb. Should you not choose the cleansing session, you could opt for the yoga and shout mantra session whereby you will be taught how to shout obscenities and at the same time feel at peace after your blaring. All this will benefit your shouting or arguments sessions with your fellow staff, superiors and Management. However, we expect your shouting of obscenities to be restrained and yet vocal for the better good of everyone in the Company. 

 5 years of service and below :    Pulau Ketam Island Trip

This trip to this beautiful destination will sort of show you where you are at the present moment in the Company. Despite the never ending “unpleasantries” being dumped, you have survived and roughed it through. The Company truly appreciates your hardwork and swimming in “difficulties” at times but you have survived in “good faith”. There will be a boating experience whereby you would be given fishing rod, hook, line and bait to catch fish and for you to contemplate your next move in the Company at about 12.00noon in the ocean. If and when you survive, you will be able to feast a sumptuous meal during dinner and supper. Liquor and beers are free flowing but limited to 5 bottle per person for your entire trip as the bigger budget had been given to your more experienced colleagues. This is also to ensure that you shall “thirst” and “hunger” for success in the coming years. Only plain water will be provided by the Company. Should you like to have coconut drinks, can drinks, bottle drinks and any other juices, you are required to pay accordingly as these are not included in your trip.

2 years of service and newly recruited staff :   Pulau Melaka Experience

You will be treated with a trip to Pulau Melaka for a sniff of where you could be if you work hard in the Company and do your work accordingly. There would be guided tours which included a learning trip to Portuguese Settlement whereby you will learn of the highly productive ways of survival in the sea and way of life, Money Lenders Lane whereby you will learn of survival skills in the financial world and a guided tour in Pulau Melaka itself. This will motivate your sensors to work even harder and to gain better success with our Company. Unfortunately food would not be provided , however, a RM 20.00 cash incentive would be given to cover your entrance fees requirement at the places you would be visiting. Please do not break items during trips, caused nuisance  nor charge anything to the Company as these expenses would be deducted from your salary without hesitation. We hope the trip experience would strengthen you to move alongside the Company and grow as a Family.

Addendum : 

30 years and above experience 

The Company and its directors had agreed wholeheartedly and with great compassion had agreed to award a beautified graveyard plot measuring approximately “ 4” X 6” plot together with flower and a “Thank You” card for those in the above category.  This is definitely a great incentive as graveyard plots had become expensive and competitive over the years. As the Company has always been competitive and reasonable all these years, the reward is both satisfying and apt for the moment. In event our financial standing improves over the years, this incentive would be upgraded with prayer items, prayer fruits and maintenance works. Your afterlife needs will be taken of indefinitely.

Lastly, let it be known that it is NOT the responsibility of the Company should you get hurt physically, mentally or socially, poisoned, killed or kidnapped in any way. Supervision would be minimal as you are adults. Should you be caught by the authorities for any sexual offences, soliciting of desirous woman/women/man/men, caught with your pants down with woman/women/man/men or any other undesirable elements of life, you are on your own and your services would be terminated upon the return from the trip. There will be no police bails, lawyer assistance nor any help given. This will be strictly adhered to. The Company view such offences grievous, harmful and detrimental to the reputation of the Company. Thereby, please sign the Disclaimer Form ( Form 4 ) , Self Inflicted Injury Form ( Form 44 ) , No Apologies – Sex Offences Form ( Form 67 ) and Non-Responsibility Form ( Form 114 ) prior to your respective trips.  

May you have a joyous, prosperous and fruitful trip with our Company. Your dying or death are not our concern but we will try and take all reasonable  precaution, steps and due care to make it bearable for you.

Looking forward to have you for our trip !  Wishing you a prosperous career in our Company.


 Ban Ban See Chin Kan Cheong
Human Resource Manager Admin. Executive
Kadang-Kadang  Huat Sdn.Bhd.
(subsidiary of Takla Lugi Resources Bhd )


Chin Chia Huat
Chief Executive Officer
Kadang-Kadang  Huat Sdn.Bhd.
(subsidiary of Takla Lugi Resources Bhd )

*This is a computer generated letter. No signature is required *

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