A Walk.....

Today, I want to own up and take care of what had happened to me over the past few weeks. For most of the people who had known me, they would have never thought of me of what could have befallen me. For many days, I have contemplate whether should I write this or not but I guess, the human side of me gets the better of me and the most important thing is that I want to thank God for helping me through while the “morning session theraphy” with my good friend/family, Errol had helped me stay sane. I used to have a very good confidante and friend to whom I could share my thoughts, frustrations and aspirations very much but I guess, we all have limitations to ourselves. I still treasure that good friend a lot, though.

Anyway, I just wanted to share what I really feel inside and I meant no malice to anyone lest you wield the axe, knives and spear me to death. I always am honest with my own feelings inside of me and I realized that it is getting harder and harder to speak the truth nowadays but truth must be spoken as that. I realised too that in this fallen world of ours, we get trampled along, get used by people in all sorts of ways and even been taken as a fool sometimes. For me, I’ve been through those days and I have never ever let those things get to me but I guess, like all people who inhabits this funny world, I do get hurt, angry, mystified and even disappointed at times. Usually, I would be able to shrug it off as His mercy & grace are new each day for me but somehow, this particular day was just different as the impact was just too great for me as far as I was concerned. 

To me, getting called names, spit on, received harsh words, received harm threats, intimidation, induced fear and all that crap doesn’t flinch me one bit but when the heart is bruised, it makes you stop for a while. That is what happened to me. 

To begin, I must say that for once in my life, I was depressed beyond words. At the moment of lowness in my life, I finally understood what it really meant to have the spirit of the Lord in us. No one could help me that day except GOD. I was beyond grief, hurt, anger and sadness. It was sorta unimaginable pain.

It all started on the days before the eve of CNY where I was still working. All of the Chinese staff were awaiting for news of what we had encountered in our bank accounts. For those who are working, head of the household or sole provider for the family, a bonus is an important part of your working career especially for CNY celebrations. A bonus is a pinnacle reward for any working individual from the top down to the workers. It would be the same for our other colleagues too who would be celebrating Hari Raya, Deepavali or even Christmas celebrations. I guess, everyone is fully aware that a bonus is prerogative of the company and we would have to abide by that. It is understandably all good that there is no bonus if the company is not doing well. Yes, no qualms of this if the company is not doing well. But if it is because of some  finance goons who had been poor in collecting the hard earned monies or some financial blunders or some financial scams or simply stingy of giving out bonuses, then, to me, that is unforgivable. Truly unforgivable.    

Anyway, the day before the eve of CNY celebrations, the Chinese staff noted with joy that there was some banking in of money into our accounts. So, naturally, most of us were happy thinking that it was the banking in of our bonus while I was very wary. Excuse me for my being cautious and wary of what had happened because it had happened to me before  (so many many times ) when I thought it was a bonus when it is actually the salary. Hence, after giving out the so-called “bonus”, I was caught not being able to pay for the installments, utilities bills and so on because I had thought it was the “bonus” when it is not. That two months were the hardest for me but luckily, SLing was able to support us at that time. It was an experience which would help stay on the ground when it comes to things like this. 

So, this time around, I probed, asked around and checked about this – still in my very wary state but mild wild celebrations in the office were on-going with the thinking that it was a good change for once that we are going to get our bonus despite no declaration of bonus for the past two years. “Hold on to your horses” is what I said to my colleagues and I even asked them to be wise in their spending so that they would not be in the situation I was in a few years ago. It was certainly frustrating and disheartening when somehow, we got the news that it was just “advanced salary” instead of bonus. It was heart wrenching and downright pissed as I realized that the guys in the office had already made plans to get this and that for their family. You could see it in the faces of the staff that there was so much frustrations, heartache and disappointment. It was crushingly cruel, thoughtless and painful move by the Management of the company. Yes, I do accept that nothing is fair in this world and these are hard times but to play this sort of games with your employees are just imperilously cruel and evil in many ways. 

For me, it is that small still voice in me that had held me back to be cautious and I am thankful for that. What hit me hard inside was what had happened to my colleagues. What if they did not know it was advance salary and had spent the money by putting into angpows for their parents and family members or even spent the money to buy clothes for their family? How would they pay their house installments, car installments, utilities and other bills when they have used up their advanced salary? Believe me when I say to you that I know exactly how it feels not being able to pay for those bills! What a tragic situation indeed! 

The saddening part for me was that the explanation for advanced salary instead of bonus came out later which was one day prior to the eve of CNY celebrations. By this time, some of the staff had gone on leave and did not know the news until our boss announced it to us that day. It was a big letdown after the announcement but I guess, I was already ready for it so it did not had much of an impact. It was when I looked at my junior staffs and fellow colleagues that I felt for them a lot. That hit me hard inside and I really felt for the older and new staff. The look on their faces – the disappointment, the hurt, the anger and the pain. That says it all for me. I just tried consoling the staff as much as I could while I vented out my frustration too as I have been through that road before. I guess, I have seen it all before. It was déjà vu all over again and again and again.

Why did you set a target for the branch only to raise it up all the time during the quarterly meeting? Every time our bosses are back from Management meeting, a different target is set and becomes unachievable. You hit us with talks like we are to work harder, our attitude , our work standards, our commitment and lower our expenses while work gets piled up with no incentive in front of us to work on. With the unachievable target, you used this excuse to say you did not achieve the budget and hence, your bonus will be lower. Then you make scapegoats out of staff so that they do not get or lose their bonus simply because you want to instill fear for the Management. I have seen these games all my life. It was all just too much for me. I started to develop a depressed feeling and hopeless feeling inside of me that day. I went home mentally drained, tired and angry. This burning anger consumed my thoughts and heart. I guess, it was so sickening feeling inside that the poorer folks like us are like mere pawns on some bloody chessboard of power play.     

On the eve of CNY, I was still at work and when I came in to work in the morning, the atmosphere was a somber atmosphere. It was hard for me and when a young staff came by to offer his CNY greeting to me before proceeding home for CNY eve celebration;  he thanked me for informing and advising him on the advance salary fiasco. Though I was depressed by this time, I sensed his genuine gratitude which moved me to tears inside my heart. I haven’t even told him of the days we had to wait at the bank on CNY eve night to get our bonus or salary in those days. I just could not imagine how we could buy anything on CNY eve evening or night time. Somebody, please enlighten me. I just gave him a smile and told him to be wise in his spending. Soon, the other staff came by to offer the CNY greetings before leaving home. I said the same thing to them. I don’t know if they would appreciate that or not but at least, I have done my best to help them in whatever small way I could. 

When I was in my car that day, I felt very down and depressed by what had happened. All sorts of questions came to my head and the arrows from the evil one never ceased. For many years now, all the staff had to endure and suffer in silence over such wicked, sadistic and inhumane ways and treatment by rats at the top who only knows how to abuse their power and status. They don’t care a two hoots of staff or their families. All the talk of “we are family” is a big lie and a farce to begin with when the only family known are rats and money diggers. That enraged my heart and my mind.   

Sadness soon turned to clenched fist and soon escalated to burning anger, curses and hatred. For a moment, I just lost it and engulfed with this bursting hatred at what had happened. Somehow, for a moment thereafter, I felt as though I was doused with water. It was like someone had poured cold water over me. I composed myself as the goodness and the provision of the Lord over my life all these years flashed before me. I am also reminded of those dark days, years and how the Lord had brought me out of it. Like what Errol had said to me this morning, there is a song in the dark as in the Book of Job. Yunno, the funny thing was that in spite of me being overwhelmed by the sadness and deep anger, there was a certain hand of comfort upon my heart. I really felt His hands upon my heart that day and I was comforted. I am still trying grasp what had happened that day.   

Slowly but surely, I overcame that depressed feeling and hopelessness as I looked on the goodness of the Lord to me.  Today, I want to say that God had asked, sorry, commanded us to love of our neighbour including our enemies, you know that?  I’ll be downright honest, I don’t know if I can do that as it is a damn difficult task, don’t you think so? BUT, that is His second commandment, right? I’ll take it slow as usual …..one step at a time , one fight at a time, one journey at a time …. one forgiveness at a time….