There are many things in life that I sometimes questioned my own sanity at how some things work. I know that we are all creation of God and yet we see so much pain and suffering in this temporary world we live in. We try to dissect and make things explainable to our feeble minds and yet sometimes, we failed to grasp the actual meaning of life itself. I must be honest that there are things which I could comprehend with my limitation of wisdom and simple mind but there are also things I really fail to see the logic of it all. I just could not comprehend the iota of human feelings and the heart of things. I believe that’s why God is more interested in our hearts than anything else because when our heart goes awry, so does our screwed mind and warped soul.
Today, Soon Ling and I together with our family friend, Abby went to visit an old friend of ours. I guess, prior to the MCO, Soon Ling and I tried to visit this old friend of ours, who is in a care home, yet, we were duly informed that no visitors are allowed due to the pandemic. Hence, days, weeks, months and years passed since our last meeting and somehow, it slipped our minds on when we could visit this friend of ours again. I’ve always remembered this friend of ours as one who is flamboyantly dressed, sprinkled with cheerfulness, speaks well and such a bubbly happy figure. However, what mighty battles and darkness that loomed behind that mask of façade ….only the wearer of the mask could understand and imagined. I make no excuse in knowing every one that crossed my life path but there are some people that you could never forget because they are outrageously lovely people and this friend of ours in one of them. I could rambled on and on in regards to this friend of ours who was such a delight in conversation and a super livewire in personality. Her smile and her so called Angmo ways were such a delight or annoyance to some. She would cheerfully and explicitly tell us on how wonderful her two children were doing overseas and how delightful her grand daughter was. She was over the moon when she talks of her two children and grand daughter. She would gleefully show pictures of her grand daughter and beamed with pride when she speaks of her children. I must admit that I really admired her for all she had done and sacrificed in her life. I remembered that she would always glide towards me and say “ Ivan, you must see this! “ and she would show pictures of her grand daughter and her achievements or sometimes, “ Ivan, come , come, I must show you this” as she whipped out photos of her son’s and daughter’s family. I never took offence to whatever she whipped out or whatever she said to me. In my heart, I genuinely believed that she is happy, doing well and so are her children. I prayed and wished her all the best. Never an iota of envy or jealousy; only joy and happiness for her and her family.
It was about two or perhaps, three years ago that I heard that this friend of ours kept having accidents and physical difficulties at home as she aged. Probably as she grows into her age, she would have difficulties physically in handling herself each day. I came to understand that she had accidental falls, unwanted cuts and bruises due to accidental knocks and skirmishes with the walls, staircase and even split levels in the home. Maybe, her balancing acts weren’t there and hence, the bruises and knocks. At the end of the day, the best option was not for her to stay alone in the house and hence, the care home/nursing home was the solution. When I first heard of her enrolment in a care home, I felt bad as this was a free spirited and bubbly personality, mind you. You can’t contained or curtailed such person as the essence of their life is the free spiritedness and that freedom of …………………expression in her. For a long time, I never believed that she belonged there but it’s for her best as she had become frail and accident proned. Afterall, it was a family decision and that’s it. The next thing I heard, she was all bundled up and sent to a care home or nursing home for the elderly. Yeah, she was elderly but she was so……….full of life but yet her failing physical mobility was creeping up on her. To me, it was such a morbid thing to do but yet there was no helper in sight to accompany her in her home and so on. Yet, it was the family’s decision to send her to the care home/nursing home whereby at least, she would be cared for.
For a while, she seemed to be accustomed to the home and probably with the thought that it was a temporary arrangement for her, she seemed to be getting on well in her life. Soon, as the pandemic prolonged, her hopes of getting back home and doing what she wants most diminished slowly before her eyes, her hopefulness dashed; her liveliness slowly died down and extinguished. I guess, in many ways, I can’t fault what the family had to do for her. But I am often reminded of an old saying which is often repeated and rang in my ears and mind as a child – “One mother can take care of 10 children but not all 10 children can take care of one mother when she is old.”
I am sad as she had sorta given up and today, she lay in a heap of bones and half her size; almost like a malnourished child. Bed-ridden and probably, awaiting for her call to the heavens, she did not recognized any of us and yet, she flashed her signature smile once in a while as we try to introduce ourselves to her. O what a sight! As sadness, pain and brokenness engulfed my heart, I could only say a prayer for my old friend. Out of the blue, she said, “ Ivan with a fat stomach!”. Yeah, that’s what she would call me years ago. It wasn’t complimentary to the ears or even a nice thing to say but I didn't mind. I almost broke down in joyful tears as I heard it. At least, flashes of me is still in her flawed mind………… somewhere.
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