It hurts...

Have you had one of those days when you feel so frustrated, dissapointed and down right slumb felt? Well, I've had that type of day today! Just like so many other difficult days, I can weather the hardship, the back stabbing, the knives , infliction of physical pain, mental anguish and all the torturous stuff but there is one I could not palm away. That's the pain inflicted by your children. I guess, in a cruel way, I fall flat on my face when dealing with the dissapointments inflicted by my children.
Well, today is Report Card Day in my son's school. You can imagine the mayhem and the pain he gave me! There are times I have questioned God if my son was born just for the sole purpose to torture me!As a father and as parents, we [ I am speaking for SLing too ] have given him the very best we could. I have even spoken to him, encouraged him and even speak to him in the vey best manner I could but still he drives me nuts and in total despair. I am not embarrassed by how he fared in his exams, I am embarrassed that he does not even value himself by getting such grades and marks. It is really a poor reflection of who he is actually and what he can do when he puts in effort. I guess, at the end of the day, the parents will get the sticks for this and that but I tell you the truth, believe me, SLing and I have given our very best for him. I guess, we have become bad parents again. Yunno, all I wish is for my son/daughter to do well in his/her studies so that he/she could have a better place and standing in the future. Is that too much to ask from your son/daughter? There are times I really don't know what goes through the teenagers minds! I know for sure I wasn't like that.

My heart reeks from pain, shame and dissapointment. I have come to a point that I just don't know what to say anymore. Maybe I have come to a state of the highest level or saturation of dissapointment. I have no place to let it all out except being on my knees pleading with my Father in Heaven that I would not go nuts because of my son.

Gosh! I love my son and my daughter but my heart really cannot take this. Yunno, when I went to the teachers' table to collect the Report Card, somehow, I apologised first to the teacher in charge for whatever my son had done in class. I also apologised profusely to the teacher in charge and told her to convey my sincere apologies to the rest of the teachers who is teaching my son in school. I told her that I had expected the worst since finding out last week in regards to his school works. It is troubling and painful to hear from teachers regarding your children's works and it is even more humbling when you have to apologise profusely for their actions. I just wish he could understand just how much we had sacrificed for him and his sister.

There are times in my life I constantly asked myself when I am lying on the bed very much awake [ to be honest, I have a lot of sleepless nights! ] , " What can I do for him, Lord? What more can I do for him, Lord?" This is a cry from my heart and this is a cry from a father's heart. In all my hardship, my difficulties, my struggles, the storms, the trying endeavors, I have never shed tears as easily as today, as I write this right now. I didn't care even if my colleagues see me crying as I write this. So, you can imagine what I am feeling right now and how stumped I really am. It really hurts. It really hurts........ more than you can ever imagine......